Call 1800-EXPRTS-R-US

Don’t Trust Experts Anymore? 

Call 1800-XPRTS-R-US – Doctor Jane Doe

(PhD- Google Searching, Masters -YouTube University, Graduate Certificate -Reposting Memes on Social Media, ANOTHER PhD -Dunning-Kruger Institute of Advanced Confidence) 

We have THE SOLUTION for all your needs. Don’t use some overpaid, irritating expert who has spent far too much time studying, and being corrupted with all those lefty critical thinking, liberal, social justice ideas at university, and an annoying obsession with facts and data.

NO specialty or discipline is too complicated for Jane and her band of EXPRTS. Also, we are cheap, and sometimes even free…because that way, we can practise our skills in real life (on you) instead of wasting valuable time studying . 

Some of our services we offer include:

• PILOTS R-US: Did your airline order too many Airbus A380s and you don’t have enough qualified pilots to fly them? Never fear! Call PILOTS R-US and we will fly them FOR you! We have watched Snakes on a Plane and Flying High (twice), as well as survived multiple crashes on Flight Simulator (even deliberate ones…well, only deliberate ones, because it was awesome fun to crash).
• SURGEONS R-US: Need brain surgery, open heart surgery, or a kidney transplant, or even just a nasty splinter removed? Specialist fees are ridiculously expensive, and also the hospitals are full of COVID patients (although of course, it doesn’t really exist and is really just a government plot to take away your freedom). We come to YOU! Jane is a lifelong hypochondriac and is a world expert on misdiagnosing herself with fatal diseases. Also, she owns two scalpels, a large first-aid kit and has had many years of practising surgery on stuffed toys and Barbie dolls. 
• ENGINEERS R-US: Does your city need a new bridge built over an inconvenient river? Or what about a new sewage treatment plant, or dam, or even your own Burj-Khalifa? Don’t think too small! Engineers R-US can build it for you, in half the time and a tenth of the cost. We all had Meccano and Lego as children (some of us still do). 
• BUILDERS R-US: Using the same EXPRTS as Engineers R-US, we can build your new house or extension for you. We even do landscaping. Jane was brought up on a farm, and knows how to make do with what is lying around in the shed, or down the back paddock. Your new home will be unique, eclectic and (mostly) waterproof.  Guaranteed NOT to fall down…before we clear the payment. 
• MECHANICS R-US: Car servicing too expensive? Need a new engine or gearbox, or even an EV conversion? Never fear, Mechanics R-US can do it for you! All of our XPRTS own cars, and most of them have manuals in their gloveboxes. The other day, Jane even figured out how to use her cruise control, without consulting the manual whilst driving, or even OK Google. 
• VACCINES R-US: Actually, we don’t believe in vaccines as they are toxic and put poison in our bodies even though the 5D stuff is crap, because our mobile phone reception is still shit, but we can treat your COVID or malaria or cancer or rabies or pretty much any disease with our own NATURAL cures. We own both a shed and a kitchen, with a lot of random equipment bought on impulse, AND a Bunnings down the road, with a large supply of stuff in the cleaning aisle to create our awesome products that boost YOUR immune systems NATURALLY. (Note; we just add a bit of Vodka to distilled water so we don’t get sued but it still makes you feel better). 
• ANYTHING R-US: We can pretty much do anything you want. We guarantee that there’s a YouTube video or WikiHow page on how to do it.  

Why wait for an expensive expert to do your skilled work, when you can just call 1800-XPERTS-R-US?

GUARANTEED not to kill you (*conditions apply)